Wanna toilet train?

So you're tired of dealing with diapers for the last 2 years and wonder how do we get this process started.  Most kids are ready between 2yo and 2.5yo, some earlier and some later.  While it IS possible to teach this skill at a much earlier age it usually takes a lot of continued parental vigilance.  Most of us want to take the easier path, especially when that easy path leads to a healthy outcome.  Teaching your child to use the toilet is a great metaphor for a lot of parenting, so use this as a time to hone your skills rather than something to just get done.  

First off, don't fight battles you can't win.  A parent can never FORCE a child to learn this skill and in most cases coercion doesn't work either.  When kids sense they are being bribed they will resist in almost every case. A bribe demonstrates to them that you are not in control.  Once most kids sense that they have the control over you in this situation they will opt to keep the control instead of the bribe.  Instead, try to act as though you would be happy if your child went to Kindergarten in diapers.  Don't let on that you want them to progress through this stage quickly.  Again, you want your child to think you don't care THAT much if they stay in diapers; you'll love them either way.  To that end, during the beginning stages of toilet training it is never useful to ask your child if he/she needs to go to the bathroom.  The answer will always be no anyway, so why ask?  This is just another form of pressure we put on our toddlers and it is counter-productive.  

Secondly, align their motivation with yours.  In other words, structure the environment such that they want to do what you want them to do, even if their motivation is different from yours.  To do this you need rewards, not bribes.  A BRIBE is promised ahead of time to persuade a child to do a specific action now (e.g. If you go potty now, you can get a sticker). A REWARD is the prize given based on a rule that applies to a group of people (e.g. Everyone in our house who pees in the potty gets a sticker).    To use a reward you need a general house rule that applies to everyone in the house and your child should see the reward going to others.  The reward itself does not matter as much as your behavior when giving the reward.  Of course, make sure he reward is something your child rarely gets and would love to have.

Thirdly, let's talk rewards. Many things work: stickers wrapped prizes; even M&M's or jelly beans.  I hate food rewards, but a jar of small candies works REALLY well when potty training.  Whatever you use, it should be prominently displayed in a clear container for all to see.  You want to give the reward in the moment, so make sure to keep them in the bathroom.  Promises for rewards granted later don't work so well on 2yo's.  Remember, don't bribe (e.g. avoid, "Do you want a jelly bean?").  Instead, reward YOURSELF for doing the behavior you are trying to train (first just sitting on the toilet, then peeing, then pooping, etc.).  Wash your hands. Get your reward.  What you do with that reward REALLY matters.  Don't brag, but spend some time fully absorbed in the ecstasy of your reward (e.g. Mommy can't talk right now because I am going to enjoy this present I just got).  Sing its praises to yourself and really act it out (e.g. Bring it to the table, sit down, get a plate, pour a glass of milk, etc.).  This is where the rubber hits the road so really act out your enjoyment to demonstrate how wonderful this reward is.  You can see where this is going.  If you have picked an enticing enough reward, you will hear pleas to share your reward or even some shouts of, "I want one!!!"  Great, now things are working.  That's when you deliver the message, "Oh, you want one of these too?  Well that's great.  Anyone who pees in the potty gets one, so when you're ready, let me know and I'll help you." It is really powerful for older siblings, grandparents, or other relatives to get the reward when they pee in the potty too.  In fact, older siblings often like getting a chance to be on the parenting side of this relationship!

Fourthly, realize your target will change over the weeks.  The behavior you're training for is called the target behavior.  When starting out it is futile to expect most 2yo's to identify they have the urge to pee, get to the bathroom, pull their own pants down, sit on the toilet, pee, wipe, get up and dressed by themselves, then wash their hands well.  There are many steps to this process and the target behavior will change as kids show you what they are learning.  You want to make it easy for your child to succeed.  Initially reward a behavior that is easy for them: something you know they can do at least 30% of the time if they try. Change the rules to reward more difficult behaviors once he/she has mastered the easy behavior.  This itself is a reward: "We have all been getting so responsible that our house rule changed."

   For toilet training the target behaviors often progress something like this: sitting on a play toilet, sitting on a real toilet, sitting on the toilet until a timer goes off, peeing on the toilet, peeing and washing hands, notifying you after he/she poops, pooping on the toilet.  Change the target behavior based on your child's skill level and motivation.   If you pick something JUST a bit harder, they will usually master that quickly.  If you get resistance or regression, you have made the goal too difficult or he/she is beginning to feel coercion.  Be sensitive to how your child is acting and adjust accordingly.  Some kids will want to speed ahead and some will need to stay at one stage for a while to gain a sense of mastery.  Remember there are MANY ways to do this and it's most important to stay a compassionate parent. Whatever you do, don't pressure your child to toilet train.  Almost all of us get there eventually.